While we wait, let’s learn about how to do conflict well from what goes wrong in some of the Ultimatum fights.
Okay, Sam and Aussie.
So, Sam said, “I didn’t like the way you called my question dumb.”
Aussie’s voice changes, face gets hardened, gets red and then said, “Well I can’t do anything right. I’m good then. I’m good.”
When you’re in fight or flight the blood literally flows AWAY from your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that can help with creativity, planning, problem solving etc. It flows to your arms and legs so you can RUN and FIGHT the bear.
The problem isn’t going into fight or flight but in Sam and Aussie’s relationship even after they take a break to regulate and then return to the issue, Aussie gets very dysregulated so again so again there’s less blood flowing to Aussie’s prefrontal cortex and they never get to any productive solutions… (but hopefully they will when the new episodes drop!)
So if you get dysregulated, no big deal! We all do!! Step away and go for a walk or dance around to complete the stress cycle.
Once you feel better try again to resolve the issue.
Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to a therapist or trusted friend about the situation because that friend likely isn’t going to be triggered so you can generate some potential solutions.
Or sometimes it can be helpful to write a letter to the person when you’re feeling calm and then give it to them and talk afterwards.
You don’t have to be perfectly regulated when you address the issue again but if you’re both really triggered that’s when you get those big fights shooting accusations that reality tv producers love… and that don’t go anywhere productive.
You got this!
PS If you wanna binge reality tv and show up more fully and deeply and more boundaried in your most important relationships, I’m your somatic practitioner. I have a few one-on-one spots open so let’s chat Love is Blind and also do some deep fucking work together.
To explore whether this is going to be effing life changing, let’s hop on Zoom. Book free consult here ;)!
PSS If you want to build healthy effing boundaries TODAYYYY (not tmrw) check out this FREE and on-demand webinar!
And if you wanna take a Feminist Somatics Certification run by a reality tv junkie who makes sure even when we go deep, it’s fun as fuck, check out the Feminist Somatics Certification: brynbamber.com