Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore has been blowing my mind. Western culture reveres happiness and tells us to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But what if the goal is to be enveloped by darkness?
This moment, right here right now, is your whole life. Everything else is a thought about the future or a thought about the past. I’ve spent my life chasing accomplishments. Once I find an amazing partner I’ll be happy. Once I have this amount of money I’ll relax. Once I resolve this fight with my friend, I’ll feel more peaceful. But I’ve realized that I could spend my whole life never fully getting “there”… because whenever I achieve one goal, another goal pops up.
When a client is anxious, often the first thought is: “I shouldn’t be anxious” or “I hate being anxious all the time, why am I anxious again??” But what if instead of trying to SUBTRACT the anxiety, you ask the client to ADD love.
In codependent relationships on an energetic level your energy is enmeshed. And sometimes even though your energy is enmeshed your heart is closed to protect yourself.
In a healthy relationship you can step in and out of the other person’s energy field, so you can empathize with them but you can also step away (either physically or energetically) and feel your own feelings about the situation.
Folks socialized as women are taught “don’t be a bitch” which translates to “don’t get angry.” And folks socialized as black women get a double whammy with the “don’t be another angry black woman” message…
This might not seem like a big deal but it can decrease:
Your access to pleasure and relaxation
AND it can cause health and relationship problems!
Being trauma informed, in a nutshell, means you respect the other person’s boundaries. Here’s why: trauma teaches you that healthy boundaries don’t work. Every single two year old says no no no no no! Until they learn, through psychological or physical trauma, that no doesn’t work.
You might’ve learned that receiving always had a catch. You had to give back, even if it was something subtle like praising your mom’s cooking.
As I type this, I feel the heavy icky feeling of obligation in my chest. The good news is healing this will impact your love life, money mindset, ability to enjoy vacation, career fulfillment, all the things.