Life’s Messyness

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“I don’t know how to answer. I wish there was something to reveal, some horrible secret about my childhood so we would have our explanation and they could feel sorry for me. I wish someone had hurt me so I could say, This is why. But I’ve never had an excuse for being me.”

-Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior

Glennon is standing in front of her parents trying to explain her bulimia and alcoholism. And when I read the words I feel the same way. I’ve never had an excuse for being me either.

I am not a bulimic or an alcoholic but I wish I had a way to explain my anxiety.

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Money

My breath is short. I am trying to get enough air. I am panicking.

I want to go to back to school badly but when I see the price of the plane ticket, I feel like I can’t breathe. How will I afford this 5 times a year? Will I go into debt? Will I ever be able to get out? Will I ever be able to start saving for retirement? Will I end up alone, desolate, broke on the street?

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Playing the Victim

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Last month I spent a week on the North channel of Lake Huron with 85 family members and old friends. By day three, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I’ve gotten more introverted as I’ve gotten older. I couldn’t deal with the number of social interactions.

I was upset. This was suppose to be my vacation. This was suppose to be relaxing and reinvigorating. I felt drained and felt like it was the extroverts fault. Why were they subjecting me to this? I felt like they were predators that pounced when I wasn’t expecting it. I felt like they were vampires that sucked me dry. I felt brittle, withered, helpless.

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My tendency is to force things…

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Photo credit: Airwolfhound (CC: some rights reserved)

Last night my imagination started to take off. I heard a large truck and my mind started telling the story of what if it’s a plane and it’s doing an emergency landing here because it’s had some sort of failure. My breath quickened. I started to panic.

What should I do? Who should I call? Emergency!

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The Best Advice I Ever Got Was Questions with Sarah Archibald

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EVERYDAY COURAGE: Sarah Archibald cares about food. She cares about hunger. And she wants to be a part of creating a food system that is just for both farmers and the low income who sometimes can’t access it.

She works for the Meal Exchange, an organization that engages students to think about and transform their local food systems. And she has been thinking about and working towards better food systems since she was a teenager.

Sarah came over to my apartment for dinner last week. We ate frittata and roasted sweet potatoes and our conversation wove from privilege to self care to music. In our chat I was most interested in how Sarah had known for so long that a just food system was what she wanted to spend her life working towards.

It was so fun and inspiring for both of us, we decided to post the conversation as a podcast. Click here to listen into the first episode of the Everyday Courage podcast!

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What if you were kinder to yourself?

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I am behind on project reporting at work. And I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal but I’ve been behind for awhile and I keep getting more and more behind.

I keep thinking that things will slow down and I’ll have time to catch up, but it hasn’t happened. And it has really started to weigh me down. I feel like I’m not getting the work I need to get down. I don’t feel productive. I feel like I’m failing at my job. Something needs to change.

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What I learned from Gwyneth Paltrow, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer

When I was in my early twenties I despised celebrities. I couldn’t understand other people’s obsessions. Shallow people with no lives of their own are the ones who get obsessed with famous people, I thought. I was bigger, better and more intellectual than that. Other than Julia Roberts – I barely knew any celebrities names and I wore that as a badge of honour.

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