My breath is short. I am trying to get enough air. I am panicking.
I want to go to back to school badly but when I see the price of the plane ticket, I feel like I can’t breathe. How will I afford this 5 times a year? Will I go into debt? Will I ever be able to get out? Will I ever be able to start saving for retirement? Will I end up alone, desolate, broke on the street?
I have been accepted into a four year practitioner program for a particular type of therapy. It looks at the patterns we developed as children particularly with our parents and how those patterns affect our current relationships. I have been a client of this type and I love the impact it is having on my work and my life. I am learning to feel my anger instead of running away from it, I am learning to say no to invitations I don’t want, I am learning to ask for help.
When I was accepted into the program I was both excited and terrified. I want it with every cell in my body. I want to learn more about the philosophy and the patterns that are keeping me trapped.
But the financial commitment is overwhelming. I have some money saved so I will likely be able to make it through the first year without going into too much debt but next year, my savings will be gone. I don’t know how I will pay for the next 3 years of the program.
I recently took a workshop on transitions and learned that there are three stages:
Stage One – Ending, change
Stage Two – A place of unknowing – patience and openness required
Stage Three – Beginning something new – needs time to emerge
In the workshop, I learned that the place of unknowing is hardest place for me to be. I want to know so badly, I often make rash decisions even though I don’t have all the information I need. Or I numb myself through working too much, wine and bingeing on Netflix.
I can see how I am in this unknowing place about how I will pay for school. I’ve applied for grants and financial aid. If I get the grants, I will likely be fine. If I don’t, I’ll have to figure something out.
But I want to know now. I don’t want patience and openness. I want certainty and stability. I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty. I want out.
I want to make a quick decision or to numb this feeling but I am trying to do something different this time. I am trying to feel my uncertainty completely.
It’s not a comfortable place but I know it’s where my power lies. If I can breath in the uncertainty and welcome it; if I can refrain from numbing and refrain from making hasty decisions then the uncertainty loses it’s control over my life. I get the control back.
I don’t want a life that’s made of rash decisions. I want a life made of thoughtfulness. I don’t want a life built of fear of uncertainty. I want a life that’s built with quality and care.
So I am working on sitting and breathing. I am working on feeling and not rushing anywhere.
How will I pay for school? I don’t know yet. But I’m trying my best to take figuring it out with as much patience and openness as I can muster. And I’m working on building the life I want.
What are your thoughts on money? Has the money anxiety exercise helped you?
Leave a comment below :).