Money

My breath is short. I am trying to get enough air. I am panicking.

I want to go to back to school badly but when I see the price of the plane ticket, I feel like I can’t breathe. How will I afford this 5 times a year? Will I go into debt? Will I ever be able to get out? Will I ever be able to start saving for retirement? Will I end up alone, desolate, broke on the street?

I have been accepted into a four year practitioner program for a particular type of therapy. It looks at the patterns we developed as children particularly with our parents and how those patterns affect our current relationships. I have been a client of this type and I love the impact it is having on my work and my life. I am learning to feel my anger instead of running away from it, I am learning to say no to invitations I don’t want, I am learning to ask for help.

When I was accepted into the program I was both excited and terrified. I want it with every cell in my body. I want to learn more about the philosophy and the patterns that are keeping me trapped.

But the financial commitment is overwhelming. I have some money saved so I will likely be able to make it through the first year without going into too much debt but next year, my savings will be gone. I don’t know how I will pay for the next 3 years of the program.

I recently took a workshop on transitions and learned that there are three stages:

Stage One – Ending, change

Stage Two – A place of unknowing – patience and openness required

Stage Three – Beginning something new – needs time to emerge

In the workshop, I learned that the place of unknowing is hardest place for me to be. I want to know so badly, I often make rash decisions even though I don’t have all the information I need. Or I numb myself through working too much, wine and bingeing on Netflix.

I can see how I am in this unknowing place about how I will pay for school. I’ve applied for grants and financial aid. If I get the grants, I will likely be fine. If I don’t, I’ll have to figure something out.

But I want to know now. I don’t want patience and openness. I want certainty and stability. I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty. I want out.

I want to make a quick decision or to numb this feeling but I am trying to do something different this time. I am trying to feel my uncertainty completely.

It’s not a comfortable place but I know it’s where my power lies. If I can breath in the uncertainty and welcome it; if I can refrain from numbing and refrain from making hasty decisions then the uncertainty loses it’s control over my life. I get the control back.

I don’t want a life that’s made of rash decisions. I want a life made of thoughtfulness. I don’t want a life built of fear of uncertainty. I want a life that’s built with quality and care.

So I am working on sitting and breathing. I am working on feeling and not rushing anywhere.

How will I pay for school? I don’t know yet. But I’m trying my best to take figuring it out with as much patience and openness as I can muster. And I’m working on building the life I want.

What are your thoughts on money? Has the money anxiety exercise helped you?

Leave a comment below :).

Author: Bryn Bamber

Career Coach Bryn Bamber helps people like you find a career that’s aligned with your goals. Her Burnout to Brilliance program teaches you how to make small shifts that will free up tons of energy for the things you really love. Start today with your FREE Checklist: Decrease Stress and Get an Hour of Your Day Back! Get it here - tinyurl.com/getanhourback. Learn more about Bryn & the Burnout to Brilliance program at www.brynbamber.com. View all posts by Bryn Bamber