I just wanna feel better already. I wanna be through this part.
I don’t wanna do the work, I wish I was writing to you from the other side where I could say “and now I feel better and if you just do XYZ you’ll feel better too.”
But I’m in the messy middle…
And it feels… messy and heavy and a little nauseous.
I’ve decided to open my scholarship slots indefinitely and I’ll review applications as they come in on a rolling basis.
I may have to close them at some point but for now I feel the impulse to work with as many folks as I can who are the right fit at my scholarship rate. (While of course still honouring my own needs for breaks and time off ;)!!)
I went to the park yesterday and ended up writing a post sitting in the sun on a park bench.
It was super pleasurable. And then when I got home my unconscious thought was: wow, I didn’t work very hard today. I just went for a nice walk to the park. I’m never going to succeed if I’m so lazy.
I think I have some deep seated Protestant belief that for me to be productive means it has to be UNPLEASURABLE.
I used to feel betrayed if a friend was 15 minutes late to the restaurant.
“YOU MADE A COMMITMENT AND YOU LIED. WTF.”
But it was really about some commitments that were broken when I was little that absolutely should have been kept. I’m not actually enraged at my friend but at the person from childhood…
Your brain has limited real estate. If you lose your sight in an accident, the other senses take over that brain space, making your hearing, smell and sense of touch stronger.
And the only way to get rid of negative thoughts is to inch them out with positive beliefs.
Sometimes you gotta go to the doctor! And with many types of pain or illness, there is also an emotional component to it.
Sometimes you buy a marketing course and never open it.
Or order a dragonfruit smoothie and don’t like it.
Or you think you know your sister’s size so you buy her non-refundable shorts at the Nike store and then they are in fact the wrong size.
I’m nervous to share this…
I’ve been doing some deep work with my coach and realizing that Feminist Somatics, although I love many aspects of it, isn’t the work of my heart.
I thought I was going to run the feminist somatics certification for the next 10 years, if not more, but as I sit with the coaching she’s given me, I’m realizing there are parts of the certification that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE, but there are other parts that aren’t in my zone of genius.
I’m in a challenging situation and had my ass coached by brilliant coach (and my good friend!) Emily Feairs.
And realized I’m projecting a childhood abandonment onto this person.
And so today I’ve journaling and integrating and can literally feel my back releasing through this huge emotional process.
