I would easily call myself a feminist. And yet there’s a part in me that hates women. It cringes when certain women speak with confidence and gets annoyed when certain women take control of a situation. Women, that this part for some reason, doesn’t think deserve to speak or have power.
When I realized that this was in me, I was very startled and saddened. How can I be an advocate for change in others and at the same time harbour this part within myself?
And as I begin to look at it more closely, I am realizing that it is an old pattern in me and that it’s easy to indulge. It’s easy for me to slip into annoyance or disgust and in some ways I feel like I can’t help it. But on another level I know I have choice and when I realize what a destructive part of me is speaking it makes it easier to step back and not indulge.
Some people say that spending time at an Ashram is running away from the problems of the world, running away from the real work. In an article on living in spiritual community Bo Lozoff writes that most people who come to his Ashram want a life that’s easier and when they arrive they realize really it’s harder. Most people don’t last more than three months.[1]
At the Ashram I live at we are asked to genuinely look at ourselves and to take responsibility for our actions – including our thoughts. And sometimes it’s totally ugly – like this part of myself that hates.
But if I’m going to advocate for change in the world, I have to start with myself. And to start with myself I have to take the time to really see what’s happening for me.
And so I’m taking the time – finding out what’s really happening. And as I do I can work for change within myself, live what I believe in and at the same time work for change in the world.
[1] Lozoff, Bo. “Life in Spiritual Community,” Ascent Magazine, Issue 11, Fall 2001.
