Silence and Shame

I tell my sister that she should tell her story, write it out and then post it on her Facebook wall and yet I’m terrified to tell mine.

I don’t want to tell anyone.  I want to keep it quiet, close to my heart.  I want to pretend that I don’t make mistakes, that I always acknowledge my privilege, that I’m perfect. I want silence.

I ran a workshop for a group of LGBTQ newcomers a couple of weeks ago on criminal law.  I was the organizer, the facilitator and the panel moderator.  I recruited the volunteers, set the agenda, chose the scenarios we would use.

And then after the workshop I got some feedback that one of my volunteers felt oppressed, that I didn’t do my job as the panel moderator in balancing which voices were heard and that several components of the workshop were disempowering for participants instead of being empowering.

And I said I was fine after I read it but part of me went into a spiral. I can’t do my job, I’m not good at my job, I’m actually just perpetuating the cycles of oppression that I thought I was trying to stop, I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve the good that I have in my life.  And these voices felt like they were strangling me.

black. sticky. strangling.

But I told myself I was fine and that I didn’t need to tell anyone, that I had come so far that I was beyond needing to tell others, or that they wouldn’t understand anyways.  Any and every story to convince me to keep silent.

But I’m not above shame.  And just because I lived at an ashram for two years doesn’t mean that now I’ve worked everything out and that I can fight all my battles on my own.  I still need help, I still need people to listen to my story, I still need empathy.

I am not invincible and I’m far from perfect.  I am trying so hard to create experiences that are empowering for participants and sometimes I fail.  This time – I made multiple mistakes. But that doesn’t mean that I give up and stop trying at all.

And so I am scared that I will fail again, but I am trying to learn from my mistakes and create something better.  I am trying to be brave and not listen to these voices that tell me to crawl into a hole and never to come out again. And I am trying to move out of silence and through the shame.

Author: Bryn Bamber

Career Coach Bryn Bamber helps people like you find a career that’s aligned with your goals. Her Burnout to Brilliance program teaches you how to make small shifts that will free up tons of energy for the things you really love. Start today with your FREE Checklist: Decrease Stress and Get an Hour of Your Day Back! Get it here - tinyurl.com/getanhourback. Learn more about Bryn & the Burnout to Brilliance program at www.brynbamber.com.

4 thoughts on “Silence and Shame”

  1. Why do we require ourselves to be perfect while forgiving everyone else? A moving piece that tells me that you will lean, you will do better, and, thank god, you will never be perfect. Love and light to you dear heart. Sheila >

  2. Very touching and inspiring piece, Bryn. Your courage is apparent in every word. Keep going! Lots of light and love to you. Nadia

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