Silence and Shame

I tell my sister that she should tell her story, write it out and then post it on her Facebook wall and yet I’m terrified to tell mine.

I don’t want to tell anyone.  I want to keep it quiet, close to my heart.  I want to pretend that I don’t make mistakes, that I always acknowledge my privilege, that I’m perfect. I want silence.

I ran a workshop for a group of LGBTQ newcomers a couple of weeks ago on criminal law.  I was the organizer, the facilitator and the panel moderator.  I recruited the volunteers, set the agenda, chose the scenarios we would use.

And then after the workshop I got some feedback that one of my volunteers felt oppressed, that I didn’t do my job as the panel moderator in balancing which voices were heard and that several components of the workshop were disempowering for participants instead of being empowering.

And I said I was fine after I read it but part of me went into a spiral. I can’t do my job, I’m not good at my job, I’m actually just perpetuating the cycles of oppression that I thought I was trying to stop, I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve the good that I have in my life.  And these voices felt like they were strangling me.

black. sticky. strangling.

But I told myself I was fine and that I didn’t need to tell anyone, that I had come so far that I was beyond needing to tell others, or that they wouldn’t understand anyways.  Any and every story to convince me to keep silent.

But I’m not above shame.  And just because I lived at an ashram for two years doesn’t mean that now I’ve worked everything out and that I can fight all my battles on my own.  I still need help, I still need people to listen to my story, I still need empathy.

I am not invincible and I’m far from perfect.  I am trying so hard to create experiences that are empowering for participants and sometimes I fail.  This time – I made multiple mistakes. But that doesn’t mean that I give up and stop trying at all.

And so I am scared that I will fail again, but I am trying to learn from my mistakes and create something better.  I am trying to be brave and not listen to these voices that tell me to crawl into a hole and never to come out again. And I am trying to move out of silence and through the shame.

Author: Bryn Bamber

I work with big hearted people who want to make a positive impact in the world. The only problem is: -Your career isn’t working -You wake up some days and don’t want to get out of bed -You’re stressed about paying the bills Career Coaching in the Forest teaches you how to make small shifts that will free up tons of energy for the things you really love. A life where you wake up to feeling a sense of purpose and easily pay the bills. I teach you how to approach making a career change in a way that is fun, easy and gets results :). I have over a decade of experience in the field of education and during my four years at an educational non-profit I hired enough contract staff to know what employers want and DON’T WANT in the job application process. So why did I start this? When I was 24, I was overwhelmed by my job working with vulnerable youth and fell apart. I moved to a yoga centre for 2 years to put myself back together. There I figured out what I was messing up at work and became a yoga and meditation teacher. Career Coaching in the Forest will help you to see the mistakes you’re making without having to move to a yoga centre! And use meditative practices to help you see where you need to go. I know exactly what it feels when something’s not right in your career and now I love helping others to make changes so their lives can become full of meaning and purpose again and so that you can make lots money too ;). Start today: get my Free Resource: Land Your Dream Job Checklist here - tinyurl.com/dreamjobchecklist And above all else, please go for your dreams. Your life has meaning. You are here for reason. Find out what it is and when you do put all you that you got towards it! Talk soon! Bryn To learn more go to www.couragecompass.org

4 thoughts on “Silence and Shame”

  1. Why do we require ourselves to be perfect while forgiving everyone else? A moving piece that tells me that you will lean, you will do better, and, thank god, you will never be perfect. Love and light to you dear heart. Sheila >

  2. Very touching and inspiring piece, Bryn. Your courage is apparent in every word. Keep going! Lots of light and love to you. Nadia

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s