I’ve been writing a lot about career coaching stuff. About what you can do and how I can help. And I believe it. I believe that you are meant to bring out your gifts and touch even more people than you already are.
But I’ve been craving to write about me. About my life. About how life is hard sometimes and how sometimes I don’t know how to make it better.
I’ve been feeling lonely as I try to navigate the dating world. Dating is like applying to a million jobs and you get some rejections but you get some interviews. And sometimes you even get a couple of shifts or work for a month. But then just when you think it’s going to work out, just when you start to think, I’m going to like it here, it gets torn away.
Sometimes I tear it away. Sometimes he tears it away. Sometimes he ghosts and leaves me questioning my judgment.
I thought he was a stand up guy. I thought he was direct. I thought he would have the confidence to say, “I don’t think this is going to work.”
But he doesn’t. My last text to him reads, “Frustrated. If you don’t want to hang out again, please be direct about it.” He doesn’t respond.
I’m okay with ghosting if it’s just one date. If the first date doesn’t go well, I encourage it. But after multiple dates I want something. Some acknowledgement.
It throws me and a part of me wants to give up. To collect some good single friends and hold them close. Make a pact that we’ll never date anyone so we’ll always have time for each other.
That part is jealous of my friends that are in relationships. Making up stories that their lives are perfect and easy. That they’re having the #BestSummerEver and I’m alone.
I talk to my sister on the phone one night and cry. She listens and really hears my struggle. I wake up the next morning feeling better.
I see how it’s easy to see someone else’s life as perfect and easy when really it’s probably not. They probably have their own set of challenges even if they don’t post them all over Instagram.
And that morning I’m able to start to see and be grateful for the beautiful parts of my life. My beautiful home. Friends that hold me close. Beautiful dances, walks in the park. Evolving relationships with both my mother and father.
My life is full.
And it’s not that the loneliness and hurt completely disappear but I have room for them. I can let the loneliness in and it won’t carry me away.
You can feel lonely when you’re in a crowded room. The moments when you feel seen or understood are precious.