Soon after we went into lockdown I had a sore throat, achey muscles, and fatigue. It felt very similar to other times I’ve had the flu but I was nervous. What if I had it? What if I’d given it to someone before lockdown started?
I was trying to understand what was happening in the world, in my country, and to my own body. I wasn’t scared of getting severely ill. I have a strong immune system and am in good health. But I was very nervous that I would give it or had already given it to someone else.
I wanted to get tested but I couldn’t get a hold of Telehealth. When I called it just a busy signal or cut out. I never got to the automated menu. Too many people were calling and the system was crashing.
I considered just driving to a testing centre and seeing if they would test me.
Finally, a friend helped me figure out how to get through to someone at Toronto Public Health. I was on hold for a few hours but eventually got to talk to a real human being.
She told me how to self-isolate, that I wasn’t eligible for testing at this time and the website to check to see if I would be eligible for testing in the future, if my symptoms changed or if they got more tests and so eligibility changed.
I relaxed a little bit. I knew what I was supposed to do.
Now, it’s not easy for me to accept help, but I didn’t have a lot of options. Friends offered to do my grocery shopping and I accepted.
Time passed and I felt better. Finally, enough time had passed that I could leave the house and do my own groceries. It was a relief.
And then a few days later, my symptoms came back.
I needed more rest. I needed to ask for and accept help again. I was pissed off.
“Really?!” I asked the universe. “Me again?!”
Surrender historically has not been my strong suit. When I started yoga I used to hate savasana. Everyone would be lying down peacefully around me and I would be annoyed, wishing that it would end.
“Relax your feet,” the teacher would say softly and my feet would somehow become more tense and I’d feel like a failure. Then, I’d be pissed at my feet for not relaxing and pissed at the teacher for not letting us get up already.
From 2012 – 2014 I lived at an ashram and did hatha yoga and savasana every day. For two years!
And I got better at it. By the end of my time there I could enjoy relaxing the different parts of my body.
When my sore throat came back for the second time I felt like I was back in a painful savasana. Feeling like a failure. Pissed at myself, thinking maybe if I’d eaten healthier I wouldn’t be sick again. And pissed at the universe.
But eventually, I was too tired to be angry and surrendered a little bit. I surrendered enough to ask myself, “What can I learn from this?”
I historically have been addicted to work and busyness. It’s something I’ve been working on for years and have been getting better but still struggle with.
With the sore throat, I was too tired to work. All I had the energy for was reading, listening to inspiring podcasts or watching inspiring or funny videos.
So although I had 10 things scheduled for that day, I let myself rest. I let myself read something nourishing. I let myself be inspired.
And I got obsessed by Suzy Batiz who you’ve probably seen me sharing about on Instagram (and if you don’t follow me yet, GET OVER THERE 🙂 – @bryn_bamber)!
I felt inspired instead of sick. Suzy went through an incredibly challenging life, being molested, suicidal, going bankrupt multiple times until she had a spiritual awakening after her second bankruptcy. She vowed that she would figure out how to be happy. She went on many spiritual retreats. And from a place of alignment and happiness built a $500 million dollar company.
She makes all her decisions based on intuition, doing what feels good and aligned. She trusts her instincts even when they don’t make logical sense.
And I felt like this was the lesson I was meant to learn through the sickness. To trust myself, to stop hustling, to stop doing what other business people were telling me to do and to do what feels good and exciting and maybe even a little bit scary. To relax more and to have more fun.
The lockdown, in general, had slowed me down but then I found a way to hustle online. So the sickness took me out so I couldn’t even do that.
I’m learning to slow down, to trust the process and enjoy it more. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s harder.
And I want to support you to slow down and learn the lesson you’re meant to learn too.
That’s why I’m continuing to run Steering Your Biz Through Crisis workshops for the rest of April to support you to slow down and connect with other female-identified entrepreneurs. If you’d like support in learning the lesson you’re being shown, please join us.