creative non-fiction – Page 10

Freedom

Trapped
In a small room
With a stale smell

I want to go out!
I want to meet the people in the fields
I want to smell the freshness in the air
I want to be free

But what is freedom?
And where, exactly, can it be found?

I’ve had moments on vacation
At the cottage
With spaciousness and beauty
Where suddenly I feel trapped

And other moments
Working hard
In the garden
Feeling free

So where does it exist? And how does it appear?

It seems to come when my mind stops grumbling about the harshness and awfulness of life
And my hearts sings clearly of the beauty

Determined to be free
That’s why I’m living
Determined to be free.

Be here now: battles with the Daydreaming Mind

It’s typical for me – when a transition is coming up – to live in the future. I remember my last 5 months working in the non-profit sector was a bit of a struggle. I knew I was leaving and a part of me left early.

Now hilariously – in the exact inverse situation – going back to the non-profit sector, and again the transition is 5 months away – and a part of me has already left.

How do I stay here? How can I be grateful for what I have now? Why do I glamorize the next step instead of seeing what the present has to offer?

Intellectually – I know that there are many components that I will miss – moving away from Yasodhara Ashram to a city. I will miss living in nature. I will miss the community here, the support that I have, the beautiful people. I will miss the way I am able to contribute to this place. The way I am able to dream and plan and innovate, to try to do things differently, to try to do things better. I will miss the feeling of being a contributor to a community I deeply care for.

I am reminded of this today as I sit with someone who is leaving soon and listen to all that she’s learned being here, listening to all that the community has given her. This is my work, to be a part of that, to help people enter in and find their own way in.

It’s only when day dreaming happens and the part of me that sees the limitations here comes out to play. Then I feel lost like a leaf in the storm – subject to limitation with no choice.

But really I am more like a fish in a storm – there are some undeniable currents but as I encounter each one I have choice. Will I swim against the current or go with it? Or will I ferry across in search of the next stream? My energy is limited but in every moment there is a choice.

So where do I want my energy to go? And how can I direct the currents of my thoughts?

I know that I am where I need to be – that my work here is not yet finished. Some of my projects are at the exciting beginning stage and need the 5 months to be played out.

And although there are challenges here there is also support. And it is my job to ask for that support instead of day dreaming about an ideal future that is somehow free from challenge.

Be here now – three simple words and yet an incredibly challenging task. But as I learn to ask for help and embrace what I am faced with today – my world can open up and become beautiful now.

Telling a Story

I let go of the need to be seen and tune into the music,
I tune into what it brings out in me.

I dance a story.

I am running distressed,
There is sadness.
I pause and look away, shield my face with my hand,
Run again.

I do not build up walls but stay with the feeling,
And I’m not so much running from it but running with it.

The song shifts to something fast,
The dancers around me tune into the new rhythm.

My story is not over,
and so I pause,
I stay still,
Feeling the rhythm,
Feeling the sadness,
Not running from it.

And then it lifts,
and joy pours in.

I run again – this time giggling,
We run together.

What is this story of my heart?
What is this sorrow and this joy?

I let go of the need to be seen and I become free.

Anxiety

I am studying my anxiety.

Today I am working with a group of people that have just arrived at the Ashram to take part in the One Month Program. We are working together in the garden harvesting sunchokes. We finish the job just in time and arrive late to reflect with the others.

My mind starts spinning with facts about first impressions and habit forming – about how since this was there first day it would have been better if we had been early so they could have more smoothly introduced to the process.

At the same time my mind starts spinning about how since we are late things will go wrong and how now their experience of reflection is ruined. A dramatic part comes in and starts grasping for evidence that I have ruined everything.

As my afternoon continues I move in and out of the anxiety. Once it has started spinning, it’s challenging to stop completely. I breath deeply and it subsides for a few moments then it comes back.

The rest of the afternoon I spend organizing changes so that I can spend the day at a workshop. A part of me doesn’t believe I deserve to go and as I make the changes the anxiety continues to come up. My anxiety is connected to my self worth.

I write about it in my reflection. I talk about it with co-worker. It continues to spin but as I begin to understand it better it begins to have less power.

And as I write now a part of me is still spinning, still unsettled, but that’s okay.

Anxiety is a part of my life, but it doesn’t need to control my life. And as I see more clearly where it is coming from – a place of shame, and a dramatic place – I can make better decisions about how I want to live and work.

Paradigm Shift

Since I was a child, I’ve hated scary movies. And as I grew up I learned to avoid the genres of action, adventure, crime, fantasy, horror, mystery, thriller and science fiction. I am a sensitive person and so I would get so caught up in the film it would feel like I was a participant. For example – when I was in high school I chose to stop watching The Amazing Race because I would get so wrapped up that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep afterwards.

Last week I went to the movie theatres to watch the relatively calm film Inside Llewyn Davis and as usual there was a preview for an action film before the movie started. And I had the realization that if I focussed on breathing deeply while watching the preview – I didn’t get caught up in it. I didn’t get carried away into thinking that I was actually the main character in a fight for my life. My body didn’t go into fight or flight mode. And I could relax even while watching the preview.

Now this might not seem like that big deal but this has been a huge paradigm shift for me. Instead of avoiding all the things and all the people that make me tense (which ends up being A LOT of things and A LOT of people and gets quite complicated) – I can shift the way I interact with them. By connecting to my breath and to myself I can change the experience of the situation.

And now there are a lot of opportunities for me to practice :). Living and working in a shared space means I end up bumping into others and into myself. So what helps me stay connected to my breath in the midst of conflict?

I am practicing and I am finding out. And I am learning to change how I experience the challenges in my life.

Pressure

I am on a vacation from the community that I live in – spending a week skiing and hiking and sitting in coffee shops. And as I stepped out of the flow of community life, the first thing I noticed was how a pressure was lifted.

Suddenly I’m in a town where people don’t know my story – my habits and my background, my strengths and my weaknesses. And suddenly I can breath more fully.

So what is this pressure? Where does it come from? What is the source? And what is the cause?

In community living there are a lot of pressures. I get into disagreements. I get feedback about how I could have done something better. I give feedback about how I feel like something could be done better.

And there’s a pressure that comes with being seen by my community. There’s no hiding my habits or choices. Everyone knows and everyone is free to comment.

I’ve been in situations before where someone is trying to put the pressure on me – convince me to do something in the way that they would. And it’s easy for me to step out, to let go, to breath, to not take on the pressure.

So how can I do this where I live and work now? How can I notice the pressures but not take them on?

The first step is where I am now – to see the pressures and to acknowledge that they are impacting my life. And the next step is learning to step out when I don’t need to be in them. Taking a deep breath and realizing that what is happening doesn’t need to be taken personally. Acknowledging the facts and at the same time to not say it’s “all my fault.”

And my life in the community is the perfect place to practice this. Pressure will come up and I have a choice of how to work with it.

So Tuesday I step back, into the community, into the flow and into the pressures. By stepping out I could see what was happening. Now I can step back in and make a change.

Shame

I’m not quite sure where it starts. But at some point I realize there’s a voice that’s questioning every decision that I make. “Is that really a good idea?” “Do you really need that?” And the hidden message is really – do you really deserve that? Are you really worthy?

And right now is one of the moments. As I sit in my bed typing I have this sinking feeling in my chest. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be seen. I want it to go away. This voice tells me to hide and keep all of my actions secret so others won’t discover “what a horrible person I truly am”.

And when it gets to this stage it affects all my choices – from what to have for dinner to whether or not to buy a Macbook Air.

And I’m amazing at coping. It’s happened before and I know how to ride it out – putting off making important decisions or getting a level headed friend to help. Pretending I’m totally fine and thinking that other’s don’t notice my edginess. Smiling. Getting the work done.

But I want to do more than cope. I want to get to the roots and pull them out. I want to find out where this shame is coming from. And I want to be free.

This time it started with a busy day where people were sick and didn’t let the office know. I was coordinating the work schedule so spent a lot of time trying to figure out where people were and to find coverage for them. And then I called a community meeting to explain the importance of communicating if you can’t come to work. I also had a disagreement with a co-worker. And then talked again later to resolve the issue.

I was mad and I was tired and I was stressed. And then it was like this anger came up and then at some point was turned on myself.

The voice emerged – “Does everyone dislike me now that I called them out?” “Did I really need to say anything?” “Was the disagreement my fault?” “Am I good person at all?”

So I’m practicing believing I have worth even when it’s at its loudest. Trying to take baby steps towards shameless living. Buying the computer even though the voice thinks I’m not worth it. And using the car to transport boxes of magazines even when the voice says:

“You should walk.
Do you really want to pollute the environment with that gasoline?
Are you just being lazy?
And what if someone else needs to use the car?
Someone doing something more important.
Someone more important.”

And I think its working even though it’s far from perfect…

Step by step.
Inch by inch.
I am stumbling towards freedom.

Mind

Often my mind goes wherever it likes, following the path of least resistance. Flowing into old thought patterns before I notice and realize I have a choice.

English scholar and yogi Ernest Wood helped me to see this happening. In Concentration: An Approach to Meditation, he writes,

…the need of mental training, or regular, orderly, purposeful exercise of the mind, is far greater than that of the body in most cases; for at our general stage of growth most [people]’s bodily activities are well-ordered and controlled , and the body is obedient to their will, but their minds are usually utterly disobedient, idle and luxurious.[1]

And I’m beginning to see how this manifests for me.

For the past couple of days I’ve felt slightly disconnected. And today I finally realized I don’t need to beat myself up about it. I’m able to see that beating myself up is flowing into the old thought pattern of not good enough, not smart enough, not efficient enough.

I’m realizing that I feel uncentered and that’s okay. I am centered enough.

Utterly disobedient – until I choose to make a change.

And so I’m beginning to watch what happens in my mind. To notice and to write. To become the detective and put the clues together. To realize when a negative pattern is happening and to shift away. To exercise choice.

And there’s an amazing freedom that comes. Realizing that when my mind is utterly disobedient it causes a lot of pain. And then when I find ways to change the pattern the pain lifts.

So slowly.
One step at a time.
I am learning to change my mind.

[1] Wood, Ernest. Concentration: An Approach to Meditation. Wheaton: Theosophical Publishing House ,1949, p. 62.

The Breath of the New Year

The new year invites us to ask,
Where are we going?
Where are coming from?

And this year,
As I stood on that bridge in between the new year and the old
I cast a glance over my shoulder
And looked back.

Tears streamed down my face

So much has happened
So much has changed

It was a year of falling down and getting up again
Looking at mountains that seemed too big to ever climb
And trying

It was a year of running into other people
Of getting mad
Or getting hurt

And then trying to make things better
Trying to make things work

Trying to figure things out.

And as I look back I see sometimes they did work
And that I did make it part way up that insurmountable climb

Even though I fell trying
More than once

To celebrate the New Year I danced
And for me this dance became a statement

I am here
I want to be here

Even though I fall down
I want to be here

And as I look back
I gather the precious treasures from the year
And the gems I find are subtle shifts in my body and voice

Clarity in sound
More integrity in my spine

They say,
I am here
I want to be here.

subtle shifts.
hard to see.

They change everything.

Art

Art is beauty for more than the sake of itself
When the form and the essence marry
And truth becomes visible

Art depends as much on the audience as the artist
Words can be lost
Symmetry unseen

Harmony can be felt
Hearts can be opened
There can be Rhythm

It takes two to tango.

So look up as you walk down the street
Where is the color? Where is the light?

The bright eyes of a child
Small birds chattering in city shrubs
Music drifting out of a basement window
The mountains in the distance

Pause.

All art needs is an audience.