Ahhh! It’s so terrifying to post this on the internet. But it is the truth.
I am writing a book!
This all came about because, as many of you know, for two years I wrote a 108 poems in the fall to raise money for the Young Adult Program at Yasodhara Ashram, which means I have over 200 poems written on all different kinds of topics.
breath
expands
my heart
making it possible
for me to step out of
self pity
and into
myself
Who is this goddess
of speech?
tongue lashes
fierce.
Who is this goddess?
whose words soothe
broken hearts
Who is this goddess?
creating the universe
word,
by word,
by word.
Pebbled beach.
Warmth.
The mountains across the lake are softened by haze.
The pebbles dig into my back and bum as I lie down,
I sit up.
A cool breeze sweeps over my skin,
the waves of a boat wake lap against the shore.
I smell diesel.
It feels like I’m at the cottage but it’s the end of my work day and I live here.
It’s been incredibly hot the past few weeks – I feel I’ve moved to the desert. The grass is dying. The apple trees cry for water. Desert doesn’t work for me. After 2 days in Nevada and Utah my whole body softened as we drove into the mountains of Colorado – trees, humidity, I can breath again.
And as the coolness of the evening sweeps in I can feel my body softening once more and memories flood in. Diving off the dock at Rangers, hiking Cape Spear alone, running up the freshly cut road in Bhutan, searching for banana slugs with my cousins in the redwoods. Pieces of my life. Pieces of what brought me here.
The small birds flit in and out of the young poplar trees beside the water and I thought that I had to use post-it notes and logic to remember my life. Chronological order. Seriousness.
But no.
I simply sit on the beach and the memories flood in.
Washing over me until I become whole.
I make my home in the mountains
And as autumn falls into winter
I have to use my flashlight to get to dinner
Every evening I walk past the great cedars
Over the bridge
Through the sound of the rushing creek
In the dark.
And last year at this time
As the nights got longer
And the days darker
I felt a lump in my throat begin to form
And I thought about vitamin D pills
And S.A.D. lamps
And Mexico
Something. Anything.
Make it better.
But this year is different.
This year I am able to see the beauty of the stars that watch over my evening meal
And feel the joy of crawling into bed at 6:30 pm to read my book.
All I want to do is retreat.
Hibernate.
I am no longer trying to combat the flow of seasons
I am tuning into nature
And riding her waves.
And as I crawl into the cave of my heart to rest for the winter
I am grateful for this blanket of snow and this blanket of darkness that has come
To protect me.
Until it’s time to emerge and blossom.
Summoned by the Light.
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